Hello, faithful reader. Thank you for returning to learn more about your particular caffeinated personality. As you may recall from my last post, we recently welcomed a new bundle of joy to our family—a healthy, happy espresso machine. We couldn’t be more #blessed.
But coffee decisions are tricky, and it’s hard to know which of the many styles of espresso pods to drink when it’s 8:57 am and you are wiping the sleep from your eyes. Never fear. I present you with THE ESPRESSO POD PERSONALITY TEST, PART 2: 2 CAFFEINATED 2 FURIOUS.
Read below to learn more about which espresso flavor (blend? bean? style?) is the best fit for your professional role:
Designers - LUNGO ORIGIN GUATEMALA - bold and silky
I cannot attest to the silkiness of any of our graphic designers, at least in any literal sense. I have tried to stroke the inner-wrist of each of their drawing arms to compare relative skin texture, but have been repeatedly reported to HR, so my data is inconclusive. However, in the most artful and poetic (and code of conduct abiding) of ways, I can confidently say that our graphic design team works wonders in making content that is dry or hard to comprehend into something that is pleasing and artful. Bold and silky, if you will.
Content Producers - RISTRETTO ORIGIN INDIA - intense and spicy
CPs come from a variety of creative backgrounds—theatre, literature, comedy, journalism, weaving potholders using nylon loops and a plastic loom, interpretive dance. Although we vary in our origin stories, we are united in our passion for putting words to page to invoke capital-M Meaning, which is indeed the spice of life. We also possess a brooding, angsty intensity that is necessary to be a true artiste. Each quarter, the CPs gather at an undisclosed location in the woods where we partake in a series of grueling physical challenges, from bear crawling across hot coals to thumb wrestling with poisonous amphibians as the whetstone to sharpen our writerly craft.
Instructional Designers - ESPRESSO FORTE - round and balanced
Instructional Designers are the Obi Wans of NogginLabs. Or maybe Yoda, I haven’t watched Planet Battle in years. The IDs are senior employees with a master vision of how to best execute the task at hand. They possess the well-rounded ability to think from verbal, visual, and interpersonal perspectives simultaneously. They are round and balanced; the force is with them.
Admin/Executive - LUNGO FORTE - elegant and roasted
As the captains of the S.S. Noggin, the administrative and executive staff are often the public faces of the company and present themselves with the utmost elegance one would expect. Our CEO and HR rep were recently featured in Vogue’s photo feature on the 2016 Met Ball, posing alongside Sia’s wig. However, the crown weighs heavy on the head that leads, and although “roasted” has a connotation of a party lifestyle, I insist that in this context, it alludes to feeling burned out or “roasted” by the intense requirement of keeping this ship on its rightful course. We are led by a team of tireless leaders who require the most FORTE of espressos.
Dogs - LUNGO DECAFFEINATO - velvety and aromatic
As someone who has petted both of the regular office dogs, Zeke and Kosar, with frequency, I can guarantee that they are indeed more velvety and more aromatic than any of my other co-workers. Also, I think it is wise that we do not give the dogs caffeine. I am no Subject Matter Expert in veterinary science, so I don’t say this from a place of canine health, but purely personal preference. Let’s all agree that Zeke already has plenty of energy. I tried to hold him once for some midday snuggles and was promptly rejected so he could run sprints through the office. And Kosar? I would hate for him to risk throwing off his hipster, aloof chill because he got too hyped-up on caffeine. You don’t become an elusive property by showing your cards, and Kosar would risk losing his Twitter following if he were to go off-brand with a burst of manic energy.
Look, I don’t have all the answers. But on those dark nights of the soul, why not find your soul in a dark cup of espresso? Use this handy guide to choose your espresso and free your mind for more productive tasks: like creating high-quality, custom e-learning! (See what I did there?)